Do Not Eat Hot Wings Before Hiking

On Saturday morning I set out to hike Mt. San Jacinto with a bunch of new friends. It’s a 12 mile walk with 4,500 ft of elevation gain—an all day affair for us.

The night before, I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with a different group of friends and tried their two hottest wings: Mango Habanero and Blazin’.

This was a mistake.

A dreadful mistake.

A little over 2 miles into our ascent the next day, sure enough, my stomach turned over and I broke into a full-body cold sweat. There was no turning back. There was no delaying. This was it. Montezuma’s inevitable habanero revenge. An unwanted and imminent spicy off-trail adventure.

Before you ask, the answer is no. We did not bring toilet paper.

While I frantically scanned for a cluster of private trees and surveyed the surrounding flora for a suitable clean-up utensil, the mouth-scorching experience of the previous night played through my mind on a loop.

I should not have eaten those hot wings. 

Here are a few things you should avoid before hiking:

1. The Hottest Hot Wings
   What Is It - Chicken wings covered in spicy sauce.
   Why Not to Do It - As the old adage goes: spicy in, spicy out.
   What To Do Instead - Eat something not-spicy.
2. The Milk Gallon Challenge
   What Is It - Drinking an entire gallon of milk.
   Why Not to Do It - You will vomit.
   What To Do Instead - Drink a reasonable amount of water.
3. IcyHot Below the Belt
   What Is It - IcyHot is a recovery tool for worn out muscles.
   Why Not to Do It - It will make your genitals burn like an arctic dragon is breathing flaming glaciers on them.
   What To Do Instead - Apply an anti-chafe cream.
4. Packing a Stout as a Summit Beer
   What Is It - A Stout is essentially a liquified loaf of whole grain bread.
   Why Not to Do It - You will vomit and/or get drunk for the hike down.
   What To Do Instead - Bring something light and refreshing with a low ABV.
5. Putting On a Pair of Jeans
   What Is It - You know what jeans are.
   Why Not To Do It - You will sweat and chafe and experience immense discomfort while looking like a kook.
   What To Do Instead - Put on a pair of shorts or leggings.

I can’t tell you how it happened other than sheer willpower, fear of embarrassment, and perhaps divine intervention, but my stomach recovered and I miraculously made it the rest of the way to the summit and back without an emergency fecal incident.

Let this be a lesson to always bring TP when you hike.

You never know when nature will call, or what it will have to say.

Especially after eating hot wings.